There’s a song I wrote about in my last post Everybody Hurts and its true but I think we hurt ourselves as much as others hurt us. I’ve just finished sitting my exam for Higher English a goal I’ve had for years but I’m still not happy. I’ve been so consumed by this goal that I don’t know what to do next. I don’t really have the results to get into university and its kinda too late to apply. Also I feel like I don’t deserve it. My mental health means I can never really do some middle class job like a teacher or journalist also I can’t drive so getting any job is very difficult. Maybe I know that my chance was gone years ago. I’m twenty one almost twenty two and most people have been studying or working for years and all I have is this stupid blog which doesn’t make me any goddam money.
I feel paranoid and angry. I’m angry doctors didn’t help me sooner. My depression and anxiety was like a tumor it was getting worse. Until anxiety turned into paranoia and grandiosity. When I was seventeen I thought I could save the world people could say I was arrogant but really I was just so fucking confused and mentally ill. I needed medication and care and all I got was someone on the phone a nurse ignoring me briskly or a doctor telling me to have a hot milk and go to bed.
This is going to disable me for the rest of my life but I suppose I just have to get on with it. I’ve talked about it before my mum having epilepsy when I was younger I didn’t respect her or my father cause when I was at school I was going to be better than my “working class” family. But trying to climb the rungs of the ladder is like running around in a hamster wheel or trying to punch a whole in a brick wall. My mother is a really strong person she takes fits every night but still looks after me. I didn’t realize how difficult even daily tasks like doing the washing or drying the shower are. Or maybe in other words I didn’t know how lazy I am. I wish I could do more but I just have no motivation. I worry what I’ll be like as a mother , will i have changed by then , will I have money and a decent sized house? Will my child’s life be better than mine?
I suppose we just have to remember that Everybody Hurts or everybody has there own problems. At least I have a roof over my head and food to eat. Even if I’m wasting all my money on my serious take away addiction. It hurts when people don’t understand. Its like people who are unemployed or living in council houses bring poverty on themselves when it’s simply not true. Its not nice to be judged to be called a junkie or slut or scum. When I was a teenager I isolated myself because I was scared what people would think. No one should have to do that. We as a society need to change I suppose there has always been rich and poor but people just don’t care about those in need. We walk past a homeless person , we judge those outside a food bank having a fag. I don’t know much about the good Samaritan story from the bible but even hundreds of years ago people were the same. A priest walked past an injured man. It shows the hypocrisy of society like we could have good jobs like teachers or nurses but we still judge people and ignore those in need.
Yeah everybody hurts and its not a competition on who hurts most. But just be nice to people whoever they are.
Jack liked his coffee strong and sweet. Just as much as he had a fondness for scratch cards , whisky , rock music and roll ups. It was late at night and the cafe was ghostly empty. He fidgeted with the small cup it was greasy and the coffee had too much milk in it leaving a sour aftertaste in his mouth. He thought by the age of thirty nine he would know life. Like he knew death. Death was like a shadow always there but something we choose to ignore lurking away at the corner of your eye , getting under your skin. And life was cruel and full of despair. He had a hamster once and his father had chucked it in the bin so the cats wouldn’t dig it up. He supposed that’s what happens to us in the end , a whole life dumped in the ground or cremated. Then forgotten forever.
He turned the page of the newspaper he was reading , the black ink sticking to his fingers. It was the same old crap , politics ,murder victims , football scores , advertisements for window cleaners.
“Excuse me sir” someone said over his shoulder. He turned round to face a thin looking waitress with bags under her eyes and acne covered skin looked at him. She was probably in her late teens or early twenties. “Your going to have to leave we’re closing up” she instructed him “Aw right” he grumbled getting up from the chair, putting his crumpled newspaper under his arm.
Jack walked out the warmly lit café Into the dark bitter January night. The damp pavements glittered under the moonlight , and the street was deadly silent. He pulled his coat further around him the cold nipping at his skin. Suddenly someone struck him hard behind his head he fell to the floor in agony. The man was on top of him now their grimy hands around his neck strangling him. The face of the man was chubby his teeth rotten. He was so close Jack could smell his stinking breath “Where’s the money” The man spat. “I haven’t got it” Jack chocked struggling in vain against the man. Jacks legs and arms moving frantically desperate for the man to release him.
The man hit his head against the concrete but Jack barely felt it he was so desperate for air his vision turning black. Suddenly the mans hands were off him , he coughed and gasped filling his lungs savoring the oxygen the way you would savor a steak or a bar of chocolate. The man loomed over him. “Where is it “ he hissed “you spent it all on woman a guy like you always has dirty pleasures you give the faced of an educated man when deep down”… he paused and leaned forward and whispered into Jacks ear “Your dirt” He gave jack a hard blow in the ribs with his leather shoe. “He wants the money by the end of the week or else “ , the man gave Jack a sickly smug smile before getting into his jeep and skidding off.
Jack sat up feeling the back of his head his fingers coated with sticky blood. He felt woozy like he’d had too much the pain was everywhere his head his chest he rolled over in agony. “urg” he spat some blood out of his mouth it tasted metallic.
When it comes to food I’ve developed an unhealthy consumption. I’m fighting a losing battle. Because I’m so depressed I need something to fill in the void. I smoke but it still doesn’t stop me from binging. Pizza , chips , chocolate are all my downfall. I’ve developed an obsession with ordering take away. I’m quite of a socially anxious person so I probably wouldn’t eat as much if i had to phone and order. However with an app like Just Eat , its too easy to spend twenty quid on pizza. This also is very bad on my bank account. My parents try and help but I still sneak up the stairs and scoff a whole packet of biscuits when their not looking.
It started when I was seventeen I actually used to have a dietician for being too thin. Then when I was in hospital for psychosis I was stressed , depressed and hated the place the only good thing I looked forward too at the end of the day was a chocolate milkshake. From then on a became a sugar addict. I’ve been in hospital four times and I’m only twenty one. Some people turn to drugs however there quiet hard to get and alcohol makes me sick so whats the nearest option. Food.
I wish I could be a normal weight but my double chin sticks out like a sore thumb. When I close my eyes I’m in that place again. People call me names scum , dirt , mink. Chocolate doesn’t help. Anyway If anyone has had a similar experience please comment tips below.
I’m not sure exactly why I Write , I suppose before you write stories you read them. As a child I devoured books I would literally start reading as soon as I opened my eyes in the morning. I enjoyed it so much. I wanted to put my mark on the world and like the amazing authors I read , I wanted readers not just be entertained but to see something through the eyes of the writer. Me. I owe a lot of my talent (if I can call it that without sounding too arrogant) To my grandparents my gran would read the wishing chair to me as a child and it would take me off to another world. I think there’s something different about reading and writing as a child. My talent wasn’t really discovered until secondary school after it had been nurtured for eleven years or so through the education system. I also liked to write my own stories in my spare time , I remember as an early teen I got more into young adult fiction and liked thrillers. I would write stories about kidnappings and bizarre things like that.
I left school prematurely and grew very depressed this is when I started writing poetry. I remember finding a thin paper back book of T.S Eliot poems in my family’s loft and running through to my mum to tell her how amazing they were. Poetry I found a lot easier to read and write. My first poem was called Lang Town which is near where I live. I started to write about things around me which at that point and I suppose still is poverty. I would write about bus stations and dreary things like that. The characters I suppose had my voice but lucky for me I don’t live in a damp run down flat like the protagonist in my story.
Writing is a very personal act you are basically turning out your soul for others to read and scrutinize. I suppose we all want to live forever and a good poem or book is the closest thing we have to it. We don’t know what it was like to live one hundred years ago but through some of the great writers we can have some understanding of how they lived. I write to change people’s perspectives and make my mark on the world. That is why I write.
It is unusual that I polish off a book from cover to cover but this novel I devoured in two sittings.
The story follows the life of both Daz and Zoe who live in different communities in a future Dystopian Britain. The chippies live in the poor zone and the subbies live in a rich part next to them. The subbies have a high quality of living with large houses , good schools good future prospects. On the other hand you have the Chippies named after their staple diet of chips they live in derelict ghettos. They fear the police. The Chippies cannot enter the subbie neighborhood without paperwork. The class divide which is still very relevant today it is a major theme in the book but other themes also pop up like love and friendship.
The book starts with Zoe and her friends sneaking into a night club in the chippy part of town. This is where she meets Daz they lock eyes across the bar and instantly know they like each other.
They end up meeting in secret as her family and society are strongly against the chippy. Zoe’s grandmother though has a more humane approach and Zoe confides in her about her love for Daz.
Zoe expresses some of her views about the chippies at school and gets the label of “chippy lover” Zoe’s ideas create interest from the Domestic security and she is interrogated. luckily she does not give up her relationship with Daz she is given warning of the problems that might come her way because of her ideas.
In the end zoe runs away with daz she manages to climb under a dust bin lorry into the Chippys neighborhood , there Daz hides her in his apartment. Daz worries about what Zoe thinks of his run down flat and his mother who wears old clothes , more than he does getting in trouble from the police for harboring her.
Zoe gives up everything to be with Daz her comfortable way of living and her family. In the end she finds out her grandmother was part of an illegal organization called FAIR which fought for a better life for the chippys. Zoes friends family are a member and get kicked out , they go to live in the countryside and at the end of the book Zoe and Daz leave the city to join them and make a life for themselves.
I’ve done a post on what I love about Scotland blog post but never one about what I hate. So here is a list of what I Hate about Scotland
Hate – This might shock some but I hate traditional Scottish literature Robert Louise Stevenson and Walter Scott I find their books dry and not to my cup of tea.
Hate – The way we treat people – It might be worse in England but Scottish people like to label people junkies a lot.
Hate – Shortbread its just not a good biscuit
Hate – Nationalism. I’m just sick of our country saying they want to stay in the EU it might be alright for skilled workers to sit back in their chairs and call us racists but we have family’s to feed , houses to heat we need jobs and there all being taken by immigrants. I wouldn’t go as far to say I’m a unionist but I hate how the younger generation all want independence and that its stupid not to want it when most of them are students and are not actually full time workers or on benefits and think its easy to get a Job I can tell you now. Its not. The rich look after themselves it wouldn’t matter if we were independent or not.
Hate – Our stereotypes. I think people think that us Scottish people are a lovely friendly folk when in reality most strangers look like they want to spit on you for saying hi.
Please leave a comment on this blog post and share your thoughts.
Before I start this post, I just want to put a disclaimer that I’m trying to reach 1000 followers by the new year so please follow and like thank you!
Although I like to talk about films and poetry and other random stuff on here, I also feel really depressed at this time of year. Whilst others have been out working and having fun as the seasons change and the colours of the leaves turn I feel especially low. All year I’ve been depressed snoozing through the day and going to bed early to avoid panic attacks. I barely leave the house except to go shopping or go to college and do a course im really struggling with. Its true when they say it goes in one ear and out the other. I thought going to college would help boost my mood but all its done is make me feel inferior when other people in the class aren’t struggling.
It’s a known fact that life is unfair but in the past year I’ve realized how stuck I am in poverty. nothing excites me and around me the area is very bleak. I cant drive and I am getting in a way that im to lazy to take the bus. I used to like getting on the bus and having a look round the shops but now I feel too dependent on my parents, still needing my mum and dad close by.
Its very frustrating for me like a fly entrapped in a spiders web I am desperate for my own independence and freedom. But there’s meds to remember , washing and cooking to do and at the moment I even struggle to clean my own bedroom.
I definitely think I have PTSD from my time(s) I’ve been in hospital which now effects my life. When I was 17 I went through a horrific time looking back now it was completely out of order to treat a teenager like that.
I think writing this blog helps to get it out on paper so to speak. Doing this is a great distraction. I almost feel selfish for feeling this way as there’s people who have probably gone through a lot more than me. Its not like I went through any major trauma growing up apart from my mum having epilepsy but that never stopped her looking after us yet I feel like I’ve let my family down by dropping out of school and like my blog says I feel lazy as my depression makes me feel like i am just sitting around leaching off the state.
I saw a blogs bio which says their a writer of professionally unemployed so maybe I could come under that bracket even though I don’t make any money (yet) My goal is to have enough money to live comfortably maybe have a bigger house that I’ve grown up in however at the moment it feels like that dream is way off.
Anyway, If you feel the same way as me at this time of year just know you’re not alone. Amen x
Nor limpit in poetic shackles: I love the opening to this poem it’s so poignant and
Captivating. I think the first line expresses confusion with the words in this strange land. A land unkown to prose or rhyme. I think this is symbolic of the isolation burn feels as a poor writer not many can relate to him. Also perhaps its symbolic of society’s ignorance whither its to do with illiteracy at the time or poverty that blights Scotland. “Where words no’er cross’t the muses heckles Nor limpit in poetic shackles.” This shows that burns feels trapped perhaps by his situation and lack of money but also by his gift for the written word.
A land that Prose did never view it,
Except when drunk he stacher’t thro’ it;
Here, ambush’d by the chimla cheek,
Hid in an atmosphere of reek,
“A land that Prose did never view it.” I think this expresses burns frustration that although he is one of the most gifted writers in history he still cant capture all that he wants to. Except when drunk he stachert thro it. This reveals what burns sees the drunks of the streets and perhaps his own battle with drink. Here ambush’d by the chimla cheek. Hid in an atmosphere of reek. This shows what the city was dirty at the time and covered in reek.
I hear a wheel thrum i’ the neuk,
I hear it—for in vain I leuk.
The red peat gleams, a fiery kernel,
Enhuskèd by a fog infernal:
Here, for my wonted rhyming raptures,
I sit and count my sins by chapters; In this stanza what stands out to me is the line “k
For in vain I leuk. This suggests that Burns perhaps feels guilty about his
Fame and talent.
“The red peat gleams, a fiery kernel Enhusked by a fog infernal. These lines are symbolic of heat and perhaps the devil or anger, burns maybe feels like the Devil. “Here , for my wonted rhyming raptures I sit and count my sins by chapters.” He feels guilty about his gift perhaps because of his position in society and the fame and talent he has.
For life and spunk like ither Christians,
I’m dwindled down to mere existence,
Wi’ nae converse but Gallowa’ bodies,
Wi’ nae kenn’d face but Jenny Geddes,
Jenny, my Pegasean pride!
In this stanza he is in conflict with himself and his religion , he admits he’s not a very good Christian maybe because his love of drink or sex. “Im dwindled down to mere existence “here he feels that society does not value his talent and he is merely living a pointless life that wont amount to much.
I stumbled across an interesting article in The Herald today that argued that modern mental health disorders are more down to capitalism than a biological disorder. In the article written about the book sedated its says the economical issues like poverty and isolation are more common causes to why people are “sick” I myself have been on anti psychotics for years and I believe this to be true growing up in cramped housing , having a poor diet and mostly just struggling to get by may have caused my illness. Although I would never put anyone off taking medication as I believe like dementia there is biological factor behind diseases like depression and psychosis. I think any mental heath professional who does not treat mental disorders like any other illness is not doing their job properly.
However , unemployment and cuts to benefits does not make you happy. If you have a job you have some sort of motivation in your life. Your around people so less likely to develop psychotic symptoms from isolation, the wealthier you are the better your diet and exercise is and so on. Which all lead to better mental wellbeing.
Davies argues that radical political reform is needed to tackle the social issues of despair. Basically higher taxation on the rich. So many things including mental health are linked to poverty. Substance abuse , crime , physical illness , attainment gap , shorter life span. The poor are constantly penalised. We blame poverty on ourselves when in fact our lives are made shittier because of capitalism. We’re forced into low paid jobs or benefits. While some (who can drive ) whizz around in fancy cars and spend their money heating their massive houses. It’s a way of life you don’t know unless you’ve experienced it. And for most unless you win the lottery never will.
Personally I want to start of by saying I’m sick of the SNPs propaganda I literally hate the party. I just feel like they could do better I almost feel sorry for them with all of the grief we’ve experienced this year.Actually correction I dont think I could have a simple act of sympathy for the snp. I feel that Scottish labour is the only party that can really make a difference to scotland. We dont need rallies with flags and irn bru we need a party who actually care about the most vulnerable in our society such as low wage workers , the disabled and long term unemployed. Even the conservative party want to put more money into the health service.
More over I think the NHS has came to a breaking point and it shouldn’t be free for everyone , if you have enough money you should pay so that we can have a better health care service for everyone. The middle class are only voting for SNP so they can get free university access and prescriptions while the lower side of society suffer.
We use these things to seem superior to England and other countries when really our education and healthcare are suffering and generation after generation are slipping through the net. The conservative party even pulled us out of a fascist European union. People with professional jobs just dont understand the need for jobs , for those at the bottom of society which are taken by foreigners. They just happily skip along in ignorantly thinking the job market is great. The SNP are charming but in reality their just watered down conservatives.
I can actually say this right now at this moment I would literally vote conservative over SNP. If I had to! I really don’t agree or understand what they do but at least even in a country of conservative rule , youd her better treatment than the slums where I live. Overall I want a party that can look after me , not one that breaks me!