Am I a bad person ?
First of all a disclaimer this is the second time I’m writing this as my laptop decided to shut down , also I had to use trusted Pinterest for questions but hope you enjoy :
- Sunrise or sunset – Sunset it reminds me of playing outside in the summer as a child
- Are you mentally ill – Yes I have psychosis and take medication on the plus side I get a free bus pass.
- Are you physically ill – No I hope it stays that way
- What is the most expensive thing you’ve bought – Either this laptop that I’m writing this on , or my washing machine.
- Do you have a Job – No and Ive been looking for one for years.
- Are you in school – No im 20
- Are you a dropout – Yes I dropped out of school age 16 and im not proud of it.
- Introvert or extrovert – Introvert I have really low self esteem , but I feel like I’ve become more confident as I’ve aged.
- What do you think when you look at your body – You need to go easy on the Dominoes.
- A song you feel deeply about – Currently its walking on cars don’t mind me
- Time in your life you’ve felt most alive – Probably going on holiday as a child.
- Are you confident wearing a bikini – No
- Can you look people in the eye when talking – No I hate eye contact again it was worse when I was younger.
- Has anything terrible happened to you – Yes but would rather not go into it.
- Favourite part of your personality – I think I’m quiet a patient person.
- Least favourite part of your personality – I can be lazy like the state of my room is a joke. Honestly its not good.
- Favourite quote – My blogs quote
- Do I have friendships with all genders – Not really
- Do you have a good relationship with your mum and dad – I have a difficult relationship with my parents , because I cant drive and I’m mentally ill im quite co-dependent on them.
- Do I have a good relationship with your siblings – Yeah we’re not that close but yeah I get on with him.
- Have you had a near death experience – yes when I was 11 I fell off a very high tree swing.
- Do you know anyone who has tried to take their own life – No but I think it’s a very personal thing and you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors so to speak.
- Have you ever tried to take your own life – kind of
- Do you follow any conspiracies – No
- Do you respect your government, and the way things are done – No does anybody?
- Are your friendships healthy – Yeah?
- Do you believe in the Illuminati – Yeah defo They followed me on facebook. Lol.
- How can people tell your nervous – Its really gross but I pick the skin on my lips , I know gross.
- Do you express your true feelings – No not really
- Regrets in your life – dropping out , not taking medication sooner , going into hospital so many times.
- Achievements in your life – This blog !!
- Is there something you’ve never told anyone – Yes
I want to do a Q&A on my channel soon. Comment your questions you want to know below !!
Poetry is great
Poetry is grand
Almost like a soup that you pour out of a can.
I tell them no! but they don’t understand
Weighing out problems by the gram.
Forever eternally dammed.
Can I be held accountable?
As we slyly manipulate the young
Cruel bitter words on the tip of our tongs.
This life is breaking me bit by bit
Ticking days rolling in like mist.
Like a candle that’s already been lit
Go ahead burn all of it!
We begged for some bread
While you bathed in wine.
You stole all that was mine!
Gods Own Country has to be one of my favourite films and to be honest I’m not even sure why. I think as a 17 year old this was one of the first films I watched in the comfort of my own home after being deprived of the internet and netflix in hospital and for some reason I was attracted to this Drama.
In a way the simple story line is soothing and easy to follow. Johnny is the main character of the film a young farmer. At the start of the film johnny is distant and almost bitter with his way of life. He treats humans like animals having a quick fling with a boy he met in a cafe. However this all changes when his father employs a Romanian immigrant to help out on the farm.
The two men work together and then end up getting into a passionate relationship. During this time Johnny’s father has a stroke and the relationship ends.
The end of the film all is resolved when johnny hunts down his lover and proclaims his feelings for him. Overall very good film and would highly recommend
If you’ve been following my blog for a while you’ll know that Ive spent a lot of time in my young adulthood in and out of psychiatric hospitals. The thing that bothers me the most isn’t the dire experience of these institutions but more the aftermath of life outside of them. Depression , anxiety and PTSD makes life difficult.
I worry about my chances of getting a job as i’ve been unemployed for five years and my ability to have a normal healthy relationship , or raise a family.
I’m not gonna say I’ve tried my best because I haven’t. My recent admission was partly my fault I thought going into hospital was the right thing. It wasn’t. Although I still believe that going into hospital at 17 as horrible as it was , was necessary to combat my psychosis. I’m still very codependent on my parents. The most frustrating thing is not being able to get away or live without people your not happy with. I cant drive and although I appreciate my family trips to McDonalds its not enough to fix the damage that being in these places has had on me. I feel lethargic a lot I fall asleep during the day and go to bed early at night I struggle to concentrate on TV as most dramas trigger my psychosis. I’ve gained weight , I vomit probably just because of the state I’m in. My parents answer to this is move on. Yet I cant everywhere I go I’m still in that ward.
I struggle to look after myself although I set alarms on my phone , I still struggle to take my tablets or keep my flat clean without my parents help. I want my children to have a better life than me. However currently the only money I get is PIP and universal credit (Im getting a donate button soon folks)
Probably the worst thing is i’m too depressed to write , the best piece Ive ever written, reading it back gives me nausea as it reminds me of a period in my life I don’t want to go back to. Even poetry I feel I can never get right.
I try to go out for walks alone , to smoke instead of eat , to stay up late , to get a job but the comments people have said still come back to me , but what can I do besides stuff my face with jammy dodgers and fall back asleep two hours after ive woken up? I feel inadequate. One of the rare people my age in Scotland that doesn’t have highers and has borderline dementia. Reading a book feels like a mockery.
perhaps it is !
The muddy water washed over them as they stood shivering on the street corner. Two girls Mary and Gennie. They weren’t wanted by society; they weren’t wanted by anyone. They had a mother. Yes, a mother that lived in unclean squalor who smoked rolled up cigarettes and talked to herself. Who sent them out on an ice-cold day in January to collect messages because she couldn’t be bothered? Mary pulled her arm around Gennie pulling her towards her in a hug. No one was going to hurt her, not this time, this time mother had gone too far. She slapped Gennie in psychotic rage, the doctors had given her pills, pills that she washed down with Russian vodka. Mary wouldn’t say mother didn’t care, that was not it. She had always blamed her father far more than her mother a selfish man who’d run off at a young age with another wealthier woman. Who’d left Mary and Gennie in the care of a woman society would claimed as unfit. It was the nineteen forties and the second world war was still raging on.
They lived in London but hadn’t been fortunate to be evacuated here they lay stiff in bed at night, planes circling overhead wondering wither a bomb would drop upon their heads. Gennie suffered from mad fits of panic waking in the middle of the night shivering at the sounds of the sirens her whole body would shake her teeth chattering, her knees knocking, I cant breath she would yell at Mary , “Mary take her back to bloody bed” mother said dismissing her through a cloud of smoke as she sat in a worn armchair watching some old cowboy film on a black and white television. “You don’t have to be so selfish” She yelled at mother although she was only fourteen, she felt like the only person in the world who cared about her sister. She pulled on Genies hand dragging her into the kitchen and putting some milk on the gas hob to heat up. Gennie hopped from foot to foot as the air raid sirens wailed on. Mary wished they would stop. What good did it do? It only panicked people, people running into shelters or just running around the streets clutching at others anything to sooth their fear. Mary thought it was unnecessary and selfish of the government to panic people in such a way. Once the milk was heated up enough, she poured it into a mug and took Gennie by the hand leading her back up to bed. Climbing the stairs. She Lit a lavender candle and tucking her under the covers. “What if we get bombed” Said Gennie still shivering. Mary took her hand stroking it in a soothing manner. “Were not going to get bombed” she said as if the idea was the most absurd thing anyone could ever conjure. She took out a book Alice in wonderland and began reading to Gennie. Gennie Sipped at the hot milk as her sister soothed her into sleep that eventually came. Mary sat back on the old wooden chair; her sister lay peacefully with her eyes closed. Outside the sirens still wailed on and Mary wished she could be younger, she wished someone could sooth her into sleep, but no one would. mother sat downstairs half drunk and showed her no pity. She felt as if no one showed her any pity, perhaps she didn’t even deserve it?
The mornings were slow but easy. Make the beds, empty the chamber pots get dressed, then go downstairs for cornflakes with a little milk. No sugar, not even on birthdays. She longed for something soft and sweet like the buns she saw in the baker’s windows but there was no money.
Gennie was staggering about trying to put her tights on, they were laddered and bobbly, but again there was no money. They were both trouncing from school again, they were too scared to go as that would mean risking evacuation, and although she longed to go sit at a desk and learn poems and arithmetic in a quaint countryside town something in her just wouldn’t let her leave her mother.
Mary stared down at her black cup of tea no milk as usual. They used to get eggs and milk delivered when their dad was around. Sweets aswell once a month on payday they would go to the corner shop and chose between sherbet and liquorice balls all laid out neatly in jars behind the counter. They had nothing like that now. Now all they could get where some out of date potatoes and carrots that mary would have to cut the bad bits off to make some watery soup.
My Favourite Tunes (March )
Walking on cars – Don’t mind me (Has To be my favourite song at the moment.)
The calling – Wherever you will go
Solo Dance – (This is a really upbeat song that reminds me of summer)
Time – Chase and status
One Way or Another – Cover until the ribbon breaks
Topic – Breaking me
Birdy – Wings
Mr Saxo beat
Silence – Marshmallow
Today I went for a walk around the park and took some photos.
I feel like walking near the sea calms my nerves and Its just such a beautiful view.