Everybody Hurts

There’s a song I wrote about in my last post Everybody Hurts and its true but I think we hurt ourselves as much as others hurt us. I’ve just finished sitting my exam for Higher English a goal I’ve had for years but I’m still not happy. I’ve been so consumed by this goal that I don’t know what to do next. I don’t really have the results to get into university and its kinda too late to apply. Also I feel like I don’t deserve it. My mental health means I can never really do some middle class job like a teacher or journalist also I can’t drive so getting any job is very difficult. Maybe I know that my chance was gone years ago. I’m twenty one almost twenty two and most people have been studying or working for years and all I have is this stupid blog which doesn’t make me any goddam money.

I feel paranoid and angry. I’m angry doctors didn’t help me sooner. My depression and anxiety was like a tumor it was getting worse. Until anxiety turned into paranoia and grandiosity. When I was seventeen I thought I could save the world people could say I was arrogant but really I was just so fucking confused and mentally ill. I needed medication and care and all I got was someone on the phone a nurse ignoring me briskly or a doctor telling me to have a hot milk and go to bed.

This is going to disable me for the rest of my life but I suppose I just have to get on with it. I’ve talked about it before my mum having epilepsy when I was younger I didn’t respect her or my father cause when I was at school I was going to be better than my “working class” family. But trying to climb the rungs of the ladder is like running around in a hamster wheel or trying to punch a whole in a brick wall. My mother is a really strong person she takes fits every night but still looks after me. I didn’t realize how difficult even daily tasks like doing the washing or drying the shower are. Or maybe in other words I didn’t know how lazy I am. I wish I could do more but I just have no motivation. I worry what I’ll be like as a mother , will i have changed by then , will I have money and a decent sized house? Will my child’s life be better than mine?

I suppose we just have to remember that Everybody Hurts or everybody has there own problems. At least I have a roof over my head and food to eat. Even if I’m wasting all my money on my serious take away addiction. It hurts when people don’t understand. Its like people who are unemployed or living in council houses bring poverty on themselves when it’s simply not true. Its not nice to be judged to be called a junkie or slut or scum. When I was a teenager I isolated myself because I was scared what people would think. No one should have to do that. We as a society need to change I suppose there has always been rich and poor but people just don’t care about those in need. We walk past a homeless person , we judge those outside a food bank having a fag. I don’t know much about the good Samaritan story from the bible but even hundreds of years ago people were the same. A priest walked past an injured man. It shows the hypocrisy of society like we could have good jobs like teachers or nurses but we still judge people and ignore those in need.

Yeah everybody hurts and its not a competition on who hurts most. But just be nice to people whoever they are.

What I Watch In A Day

On YouTube and Ticktock you always see people posting about what they eat in a day / do in a day. Let me tell you now I have a very boring life I only go to college twice a week and am currently on holiday so have been watching a lot of films this is a collection of films I watched yesterday. Enjoy and please follow.

Charlie And The Chocolate Factory.

This film was quite good. Its available on Now TV for anyone in the UK. I thought the acting was quite good I liked the suspense built up at the start when he’s hunting for the golden ticket. I didn’t really like when he went into the factory after every disaster like the boy falling into the chocolate river or the girl getting chucked down the bin shoot by squirrels there was always a song by the Ompa Lumpas which I felt spoiled it slightly as the original film had some nice songs in it. overall I’d give it 3 out of five.

Zombie Land

Zombie Land again available on Now TV was great. I love this film and have watched it a couple of times. I love the acting , the suspense , the comedy I just really enjoy it. It’s quite funny some of the ways they fight off the zombies like hitting them with them with the top of a toilet or just driving over them. Also I like the ending where the main character breaks his rules hes used to stay alive one of them being dont be a hero to save the girl he loves. overall five out of five.

Twilight

Twilight is a classic film I think everyone has heard of. Apart from it being a little cheesy I actually enjoy the twilight saga. I love a romance and Edward and Bellas passionate love for each other. Overall I’d give it four out of five.

Coffee With One Sugar (Short Story)

Jack liked his coffee strong and sweet. Just as much as he had a fondness for scratch cards , whisky , rock music and roll ups. It was late at night and the cafe was ghostly empty. He fidgeted with the small cup it was greasy and the coffee had too much milk in it leaving a sour aftertaste in his mouth. He thought by the age of thirty nine he would know life. Like he knew death. Death was like a shadow  always there but something we choose to ignore lurking away at the corner of your eye , getting under your skin. And life was cruel and full of despair. He had a hamster once and his father had chucked it in the bin so the cats wouldn’t dig it up. He supposed that’s what happens to us in the end , a whole life dumped in the ground or cremated. Then forgotten forever.

He turned the page of the newspaper he was reading , the black ink sticking to his fingers. It was the same old crap , politics ,murder victims , football scores , advertisements for window cleaners.

“Excuse me sir” someone said over his shoulder. He turned round to face a thin looking waitress with bags under her eyes and acne covered skin looked at him. She was probably in her late teens or early twenties. “Your going to have to leave we’re closing up” she instructed him “Aw right” he grumbled getting up from the chair, putting his crumpled newspaper under his arm.

Jack walked out the warmly lit café Into the dark bitter January night. The damp pavements glittered under the moonlight , and the street was deadly silent.  He pulled his coat further around him the cold nipping at his skin. Suddenly someone struck him hard behind his head he fell to the floor in agony. The man was on top of him now their grimy hands around his neck strangling him. The face of the man was chubby his teeth rotten. He was so close Jack could smell his stinking breath “Where’s the money”  The man spat. “I haven’t got it” Jack chocked struggling in vain against the man. Jacks legs and arms moving frantically desperate for the man to release him.

The man hit his head against the concrete but Jack barely felt it he was so desperate for air his vision turning black. Suddenly the mans hands were off him , he coughed and gasped filling his lungs savoring the oxygen the way you would savor a steak or a bar of chocolate. The man loomed over him. “Where is it “ he hissed “you spent it all on woman a guy like you always has dirty pleasures you give the faced of an educated man when deep down”… he paused and leaned forward and whispered into Jacks ear “Your dirt” He gave jack a hard blow in the ribs with his leather shoe. “He wants the money by the end of the week or else “ , the man gave Jack a sickly smug smile before getting into his jeep and skidding off.

Jack sat up feeling the back of his head his fingers coated with sticky blood. He felt woozy like he’d had too much the pain was everywhere his head his chest he rolled over in agony. “urg” he spat some blood out of his mouth it tasted metallic.  

Should Cannabis Be Legal In Scotland?

Should Cannabis Be Legal In Scotland?  

Before I start this post. I just wanted to mention I am in no way a medical expert or know anything about medicine this is just my opinion lol 😊

When we think of people smoking weed, we often call those who smoke it junkies or dow an outs yet taking anti-depressants or having a Beer is socially acceptable. Growing up my mum had epilepsy I saw her and still see her having severe fits every night , the medication she is given doesn’t help. My mum is a very proud person who has never even touched a cigarette but I think If cannabis was available on prescription, it would be different.

Many countries around the world legalize cannabis. Its been about two years since I’ve had a joint and I’ve only ever done it occasionally mostly because I cant get my hands on it. Whereas some European countries you can just go to a coffee shop and buy it without feeling like some low life criminal.

I suffer from severe depression and psychosis. It affects my whole life. I struggle to get out the house , take my medication or concentrate in college and it worries me that I might never work. People argue that cannabis causes psychosis but in my opinion isn’t something that’s grown naturally better than an anti psychotic tablet made with god knows what ? It’s the same with people who are in chronic pain as well as being mentally unfit. Would it not help them?  

I think its time we ended the stigma around smoking cannabis. I would love to have a joint to just settle me at night and help me sleep , or to chill me out in the mornings so I could do more activities and I believe Cannabis could untimely help me have a happier better quality of life.  

Relaxed Sunday

I decided I would go over an average relaxed Sunday with you hope you enjoy 🙂

First I begin with a good Skin care routine. Here I’m using a vitamin C cleanser (from Aldi its really good) A Toner , A Nivea moisturizer and a Rose Body Shop body butter.

The next thing I did was just chill for a bit and listen to the radio , here’s me with a Diet Coke listening to some tunes

Then The last thing I did was go for a walk along the sea front , it was so nice and sunny I only had a t-shirt on.

And that was it for my relaxed Sunday please like and follow 🙂

My Favourite Poems – No.1 (The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock)

I’ve reviewed a lot of films and books on here but I wanted to start a series annotating my favourite poems and had to start with T.S Eliot. Hope you enjoy and don’t forget to like and follow 🙂

The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

I am no prophet — and here’s no great matter;

I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,

And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,

And in short, I was afraid.

I love this poem. A lot. It had some beautiful imagery in it that just captures you as a reader. The Poem is full of questions and indeed there will be time to wonder “do I dare disturb the universe”

At the start of the poem, we can really picture the streets he is telling us about

 Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,

The muttering retreats

We wonder who he is going with if there is some romantic partner he is talking about or if it just the reader. The writer uses the word choice of “certain” which is obscure as for most of the poem he is doubtful.

The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes,

The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes,

Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening,

The writer uses personification effectively here “licked its tongue into the corners of the evening” this gives the night a mysterious feel.

There will be time, there will be time

To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;

There will be time to murder and create,

The writer uses the repetition “there will be time , there will be time” he is almost reassuring himself and is aware of his mortality.

For I have known them all already, known them all:

Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,

I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;

Again the writer uses the repetition in the first line. He is almost looking back on his life and the monotony of it , he is apathetic and sees his actions as meaningless.   

And would it have been worth it, after all,

After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,

Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,

He is questioning the reader and the quality of his life. He questions the daily activities he undertakes and if they have any point.

  Should say: “That is not what I meant at all;

               That is not it, at all.”

I love this line in the poem. The writer is timid , perhaps In  his life and work he has been seen as arrogant or pretentious and this line shows that he has been misunderstood.

Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;

At times, indeed, almost ridiculous—

Almost, at times, the Fool.

This supports this point the author is devaluing himself and his life and work by calling himself ridiculous and almost at times “The fool”

Till human voices wake us, and we drown

The last line of the poem is so emotional it is not happy or positive , it makes life and the end of life seem bitter and helpless. It seems like the author is so caught up in his fantasies , setting and daily activities at the end he romanticizes walking along a beach and eating a peach  and in the last line he almost wakes up to cold reality and drowns in it.

Battling Binge Eating

When it comes to food I’ve developed an unhealthy consumption. I’m fighting a losing battle. Because I’m so depressed I need something to fill in the void. I smoke but it still doesn’t stop me from binging. Pizza , chips , chocolate are all my downfall. I’ve developed an obsession with ordering take away. I’m quite of a socially anxious person so I probably wouldn’t eat as much if i had to phone and order. However with an app like Just Eat , its too easy to spend twenty quid on pizza. This also is very bad on my bank account. My parents try and help but I still sneak up the stairs and scoff a whole packet of biscuits when their not looking.

It started when I was seventeen I actually used to have a dietician for being too thin. Then when I was in hospital for psychosis I was stressed , depressed and hated the place the only good thing I looked forward too at the end of the day was a chocolate milkshake. From then on a became a sugar addict. I’ve been in hospital four times and I’m only twenty one. Some people turn to drugs however there quiet hard to get and alcohol makes me sick so whats the nearest option. Food.

I wish I could be a normal weight but my double chin sticks out like a sore thumb. When I close my eyes I’m in that place again. People call me names scum , dirt , mink. Chocolate doesn’t help. Anyway If anyone has had a similar experience please comment tips below.

Winter Woes

Hi for some strange reasons I did a post called Autumn lows last year and it got quite a lot of attention for some reason (You guys are really nosy) I also wanted to hit one thousand followers by the new year. Well sadly I barely put a dent in that but I’ve been writing this blog for like three years and have around five hundred followers so I going to be reasonable and say one thousand by the end of the year. That’s an easy enough goal, I think. So what are my winter woes to be honest my Christmas was quite nice I’ve not been affected by Covid (yet) I got some nice presents I tried Bailys it was ok. What are my goals for the new year :

1. To finish my Highers
2. To get a Job
3. To read more
4. To eat better
5. To blog more
6. To watch less YouTube

Simple right even someone like me with cripling depression can do that. What I’ve achieved so far.. January is a year where I personally want to just be comfortable I’ve watched all the seasons of Him and Her , and am working my way through Doctor Who and Skins. I’ve been taking baths , eating even doing Jigsaws. I’ve not really been studying or dieting I’ve read a wee bit mostly poetry.

There are things I regret though I wish I had been that teenager who wore doc martens and studied like five Highers and smoked pot and listened to I kissed a girl. I wish I could have my youth back and do it differently but I can’t. I still live with my parents, I don’t have a job. I’m not where I want to be. That’s my winter woes I think January isn’t just about the future but reflecting on the past and living in the present no matter how shit it is.

A Letter

(This is a fictional letter I wrote. )

My Dear Jen

I hope you are well. I always expected France to be warm but its quite cold here. Its a bit like camping all us lads together just without the songs and sausages. My uniform is slightly itchy and I smell a little as there’s no hot baths here sadly. I long to be in a warm bed with you , here the gunfire makes it hard to sleep so I feel slightly delirious. The one good thing is there’s no light pollution like in the cities so you can see hundreds of stars. I’ll be home soon my darling and I hope when you look at the night sky you’ll think of me.

Love Colin.

Part 1

He splashed his face with cold water. The heat was unbearable. Even without his full kit on and the cover of the tent his brown t shirt stuck to his back his cargo trousers heavy and beads of sweat rolled down his forehead.

“Alright private” he heard someone say behind him. He swiveled round to find a robust looking chap who chucked him a can of cold coke. “Thanks “ he said giving him a smile and nod of approval. “I’m John” the other man said holding out his hand for him to shake “Roy” he answered. He clicked open the can taking a swig the liquid fizzy and sweet in his mouth enough to pick him up a bit. Roy wiped away another bead of sweat that had escaped from his forehead. “ You’ll get used to it” said John. Roy wondered how anyone could get used to this heat. You better get your stuff on quick if the Sargent catches you like that he’ll make you run around the camp for an hour in full kit. The thought made Roy quite terrified.

They were fighting in Iraq a pointless war his father had said but Roy loved being in the army. Loved the routine , Loved the thrill of holding a gun , loved wearing his uniform for all to see. Before he joined he was on the dole for a year after he left school. It was humiliating having nothing just hanging about smoking pot and staying in bed all day. so he relished every experience now , even the heat and that was saying something.