Starting Open University

I thought since its my first week of university that I would be honest about my experience. Firstly its a lot harder than you think. I applied to do English literature but it wont let you chose that model that until you complete an introduction model on discovering the arts and humanities. Which means I’m also learning about history , art history music , theology and a little bit of Literature.

There is so much packed into this course its a little overwhelming my first three models are on Cleopatra , The Virgin Mary and Elizabeth I. Each section takes around eight hours to study and its hard to retain information about subjects your not really interested in. I’m more interested in modern History and Literature so from WW1 and above. Although I do love Robert Burns which is another thing wrong with this course it doesn’t really have anything to do with Scotland.

I admit I had it easy at Higher. We got to study a film along with a book and as much as I love poetry , studying a film was a lot easier and I really enjoyed learning about the media side of the subject.

Another thing to mention is you don’t really get tutored. There’s no online lectures helping you work through things your just given a textbook and expected to teach yourself.

As I said I’m only on week 1 so I cant really judge. My whole life I’ve wanted to go to university and I don’t mean to be ungrateful but at the moment the material I’m learning is a bit dull. I will keep you informed as I progress through the course.

Thanks for giving your time to read.

A Letter To 23 Year Old Me.

Happy New Year Everyone ! Hope you’ve had a good Christmas and new year. I thought it would be a good Idea to make a blog post to 23 year old me and look back at it next year so here it is , I encourage you to do the same. I’ve actually done this in the past and its fun looking back on what you’ve achieved x

Hi Future me , I’m hoping your still alive lol. What have you accomplished this year? 2022 hasn’t been a bad year but at the same time it hasn’t been that great a one either. You achieved your Higher English qualification this year and got a C. This is a goal you’ve had since leaving school like 6 years ago so well done. Unfortunately your still relying on disability and are currently not in education or employment. But its ok just taking it slow can’t hurt anyone.

I’m planning on starting the Open University in February to study English Literature so how is that going ? Also I weighed myself this morning and you were 15 stone have you lost weight and stopped binge eating as much? Do you have your own place? I know you tried living on your own and it didn’t work out but are we still living at mum and dads?

How about employment have you got a Job yet ? You really wanted to be a librarian or write your own book but anything that gives you some form of income is good. Hows your sleep are you still staying in bed until like two in the afternoon , have you got any new hobbies , have you hit 1000 on this blog?

Furthermore are you happy or at least content with life? Guess we’ll have to wait a year and see.

Thanks for reading and remember to donate to my Just giving page. https://www.justgiving.com/user-account/fundraising

Living With Psychosis Tips For The New Year

Living With Psychosis Tips For The New Year

When I was a teenager and you asked me about mental health I would have just said people who classed themselves as mentally ill were just attention seeking. Then you grow up and relies mental health issues can disable you and severely impact your quality of life . I’m probably in no place to speak about how to help you with your mental health but here are a few things I do that might be useful.

Distraction – Most people would say medication is the most important thing , or meditation or CBT or exercise but for me its distraction. When I’m lying in bed at night is when I think about things the most. I have post traumatic stress from psyc hospitals I go over things that have happened and its not a very pleasant way to fall asleep. So I binge watch YouTube and  Netflix and it does help. Also really gripping books can help. (Check out my recent post Jeopardy here https://wordpress.com/post/justascottishlassie.wordpress.com/2604)

Triggers – For me the news can be really triggering so I try and avoid it at all costs. I get paranoid about war so watching the news or reading about war or watching films about war is a no go. If you are going to read the news try and read articles about culture. Ignorance is bliss in my world.

Medication – Medication is really important. If I had taken medication in my teens I probably would have been a lot happier now , I may of made it to university and had a career or I may of just been a happier person who is not paranoid all the time. Trust me meds mean you have some quality of life.

Do Things you enjoy – Do things that help you relax. Go for a walk,  take a bath light a candle and do your skincare have a cigarette , listen to a podcast I’ve recently been listening to hardcore literature , ( would definitely recommend) do online shopping for shit you don’t need,  make a blog and ramble on it late at night like me.

Have Goals – Your goals don’t have to be massive. My goals for next year is start studying English Literature through the Open University (which I’m buzzing about) , also to get a part time job , read more books say like at least 12 one every month , write more because I have a bit of writers block at the moment , also be more committed to this blog and have at least 1000 followers by this time next year (It would be good if you follow and share so I can reach that) . Just having goals that can get you out of bed in the morning is good.

That is it for my tips. Maybe you could add exercise and eating well but I’m still working on that (someone delete just eat off my phone lol) I hope I could help someone with these tips. I know how it is to be very low , I’ve been in hospital three times (which were mostly horrible ) If you ever want to reach out to someone I’d be happy to chat to you even though as I said I’m no expert I’m just a random mentally ill person who has a blog , but yeah hopefully these tips come in handy for someone.

God bless x

Films I’ve Watched Over The Festive Period

Films I’ve Watched Over the Festive season

Ok so near Christmas there tends to be a lot of good films on TV. These are the ones I watched some I just purchased myself but I hope you enjoy.

First the classics Home Alone 1 and 2 and Gremlins. I’ve mentioned before that Gremlins is one of my favourite films I just find it really spooky but also funny. I mean she microwaves a Gremlin what other film does that. I also really enjoy films that came out at the time period like E.T and Back To The Future. I wish I lived In that era life just seemed a lot cooler and easier. Home alone 1&2 were on Disney Plus. They were meh ok. I don’t really find them funny but I watched them anyway.

Back To The Future is one of my dads favourite films and I really enjoyed it it’s a comedy about Marty the main character who goes back in time to the year 1955 he’s originally from 1985. When he goes back in time he meets his mother and father and his mother ends up nearly getting with him. I think the reason my dad likes this film so much is the Marty is really cool and plays guitar and has a skateboard. My dad would have been 25 when this film was released and was really into guitar at the time of this film.  Like I said before I really like older films and this one did not disappoint.  

The next film was The Golden Compass  – I decided to watch this because His Dark Materials is on the TV at the moment. I would not recommend the series it has nothing on the film. The film is a childhood classic for me. It is set in another world where everyone has demons who are like animal parts of them. Kids start going missing and are taken by the gobblers who take them and experiment on them and cut their demons away. Lyra travels with a woman miss Coulter who we find out later in the film is actually her mother. Anyway Lyra is given a golden compass which only she can read it tells her things like where the children are being kept. She travels north to try and find her friend Roger who was taken by the gobblers. Overall this has to be one of my favourite films.

The Secret Garden I only just watched this film this morning on channel 5 and forgot how much of a heart-warming classic it is. I remember having this film on video (yes I’m that old)  I was only little and watched it on the small TV from my bunk bed. The film follow Mary who’ s parents die in a earthquake in India. Her only relative is her uncle who lives in a mansion in the English countryside. Mary is a spoiled , cold child as her parents in India gave her no affection and just liked to go to grand parties and neglect her . loneliness and isolation is a big theme. She doesn’t know how to dress herself and turns her noes up at the food like porridge. She discovers a garden when shes outside on a walk and later on finds pictures of her aunt and uncle in the secret garden.

One night she hears screaming and follows the sound. There she finds her bed bound cousin Colin who is ten the same age as her. He is even more demanding than Mary and thinks that going outside or opening a window will kill him. Him , Mary and Marys friend Dicken eventually go outside. The film finishes with Lord Craven discovering his son able to walk and healthy playing in the gardens he tells Mary she’s brought the garden and Colin back to life and it warms your heart. The film has the theme of hope and friendship running throughout it.  

Jeopardy Chapter 1

Its officially Christmas eve and as promised here is the first chapter to a story I’m writing called Jeopardy. Lets see if we can make it to 25 likes hope you enjoy !!

Jeopardy

Chapter 1 Simon

Simon liked his coffee strong. Just as much as he had a fondness for scratch cards, whisky old rock music and roll ups. It was late at night and the cafe was ghostly empty. He fidgeted with the small cup it was greasy and the coffee had too much milk in it leaving a sour aftertaste in his mouth. He thought by the age of thirty nine he would know life. Like he knew death. Death was like a shadow  always there but something we choose to ignore lurking away at the corner of your eye , getting under your skin. And life was cruel and full of despair. He had a hamster once and his father had chucked it in the bin so the cats wouldn’t dig it up. He supposed that’s what happens to us in the end , a whole life dumped in the ground or cremated. Then forgotten forever.

He turned the page of the newspaper he was reading , the black ink sticking to his fingers. It was the same old crap , politics ,murder victims , football scores , advertisements for window cleaners.

“Excuse me sir” someone said over his shoulder. He turned round to face a thin looking waitress with bags under her eyes and acne covered skin looked at him. She was probably in her late teens or early twenties. “Your going to have to leave we’re closing up” she instructed him “Aw right” he grumbled getting up from the chair, putting his crumpled newspaper under his arm.

Simon walked out the warmly lit café Into the dark bitter January night. The damp pavements glittered under the moonlight , and the street was deadly silent.  He pulled his coat further around him the cold nipping at his skin. Suddenly someone struck him hard behind his head he fell to the floor in agony. The man was on top of him now their grimy hands around his neck strangling him. He recognized the face. Tim. Although he’d changed this was the face of the man with chubby cheeks and rotten teeth. He was so close Simon could smell his stinking breath “Was it worth it”  Tim spat. In his eyes was pure unreasonable rage. “Tim I had to” Simon chocked struggling in vain against the man. Jacks legs and arms moving frantically desperate for the man to release him.

Tim hit his head against the concrete but Simon barely felt it he was so desperate for air his vision turning black. Suddenly the hands were off him , he coughed and gasped filling his lungs savoring the oxygen the way you would savor a steak or a bar of chocolate. The man loomed over him. “Just a mindless sheep were you “ he hissed “ how much did he pay you , you spent it all on woman a guy like you always has dirty pleasures you give the faced of an educated man when deep down”… he paused and leaned forward and whispered into Simon ear “Your dirt” He gave Simon a hard blow in the ribs with his leather shoe. “Either you tell me where she is by the end of the week or else “ , the man gave Jack a sickly smug smile before getting into his jeep and skidding off.

Simon  sat up feeling the back of his head his fingers coated with sticky blood. He felt woozy like he’d had too much the pain was everywhere his head his chest he rolled over in agony. “urg” he spat some blood out of his mouth it tasted metallic. 

He lay in bed staring into the darkness. Although his body was tired his mind would not rest. He was scared. Wrong. Terrified. He pulled at the sheets. Although it was winter he was drenched in cold sweat , the sheets swaddled him like a baby so his legs and arms couldn’t breathe through the dove. He was staying in a cheap motel.  The walls were yellow and the bathroom stained with dirt , the bed he lay in was uncomfortable the mattress old and lumpy. He finally managed to free one arm and sit upright. He flicked on the bedside light and rummaged around for the TV remote. He managed to retrieve it turning on the tiny flat screen. It was the middle of the night so there wasn’t much on. The news on repeat and some old crime dramas that only appealed to an elderly audience. Simon thought to himself maybe elderly people struggled with insomnia more than younger folk did , perhaps one fear haunted them. Death. He remembered his Nan saying “I aint scared of death , when the angels come they’ll come “and Jacks dad would always joke it would be the devil after her because she used to throw shoes at the neighbor cats and steal the sugar in cafes. Yet deep down he thought even his Nan a hard old lady who’d always lived on council streets was scared of it.

He tried to concentrate on the Telly , New Tricks was on but it was dry and the plotline too complicated , he found that with crime programs often and books perhaps he was never clever enough to follow them.

He’d lost his flat a while back and was staying in a cheap hotel. For once he was glad of it no one knew his address so he wouldn’t be there if whoever was after him broke in. And if they traced him to here atleast there were other people around to help if he got in bother. Although he wasn’t sure how an greasy haired receptionist and an overweight security guard would stand against a violent gang.

It had only started as a bit of fun. He had been a massive stoner in school. Everyone went to him for a bit of pot. But then it got out of hand. He had dropped out of school. He’d never seen his father so angry the day he’d signed his leaving form. “ all that potential down the drain you’re an idiot boy” he’d boomed. He’d gone to live with his gran as his father didn’t want him claiming benefits under his roof. He was a right Tory his da wouldn’t give a penny to the homeless and accused lay about for taking his money. He was not a very tolerant man to live with , if he’d made it up the ladder , he reckoned everyone else should be able to do the same. He wasn’t sure where he’d got it all from as his gran was a firm labour supporter , she used to send his aunt to school with red ribbons in her hair.

There was a gentle knock on the door. Simons whole body tensed he held his breath. “housekeeping” a woman sung out. Simon relaxed as an older woman popped her head round the door. “Not at the moment thanks” Simon said warmly.  She gave him a polite nod and closed the door continuing to  heave her hoover to the next room. Simon rubbed his swollen neck it hurt to touch and when he looked in the full length mirror he could see it was purple and bruised.

His phone rang out Simon looked at the clock it had just gone three am. He answered it “Hello” he said groggily.  “Simon I have a job for you” It was Andy his boss “wait just there , your little man servant nearly killed me why should I help you. “ Andy laughed down the phone “Yeah sorry about that man I know you don’t have the money that’s why I’m suggesting you help me with this job” Simon frowned “what is it drugs ? “ he asked “better said Andy “Tims gonna kidnap a girl“ Simon new Tim he was a laugh they’d smoked weed before and had a few beers but he had spent time in psych wards he was mental and could be dangerous. Kidnapping that was just off the scale.

This Holy Time Of Year

Hi guys I’ve written a Christmas poem for you all If you read this post please give it a like. My goal is still 25 likes and it would make my wish come true if I reached it by Christmas. Have a good one anyway.

Thanks Lazy Literature x

This Holy Time Of Year

We sit in old wooden pews and listen , as the hanging candles glisten.

Our voices stumble over Christmas hymns

the organs tune drown out our sins.

At this holy time of year , some feel Joy some feel fear.

The baby Jesus slept in hay , for forgiveness we ask and pray.

Is it too late to heal? As we scrape together a measly meal.

We live on chips and cheese and bread , in cramped rooms we rest our heads.

The tacky Christmas lights shine bright , against the darkness of the night.

Cold rain falls against our skin , along with the winter wind.

Some sit alone in homes they cannot heat

while the children soundly sleep.

We give them all we can

and take the moral stand.

In this broken unfair land.

To The Ones We Loved

Today would of been my grandads birthday. My Grandad sadly passed away recently. He was eighty five and like a second father to me. He was a very hardworking and positive and saw the best in people. Whenever I was scared of something he would always say people are nice. I find it hard to believe. Nothing was too much of a bother for him , If I needed a lift somewhere he would drive up in his little red car and we would chat the whole way to our destination. I wish now I’d paid more attention to his stories.

He was a very modest man even though he was one of the most intelligent people I’ve ever known. He read the paper every morning and new a lot about current events and used to give tours of our local church going into all the details of its history. Despite this he would always say oh I’m just a brick layer. grief

He was a really stable person perhaps this came from being one of the eldest out of seven children or his times in the forces , but he very rarely got stressed or angry , but would give people a piece of his mind if need be.Even in his eighties he would still make me dinner and look after me.

I definitely feel his absence and this will be the first Christmas without him. You take it for granted someone being there and I wish he could of seen me in a happier place maybe with a Job or something but he wasn’t judgemental and always said to me the psychotic paranoia I had were just silly thoughts.

I still expect him to be here. To go into his house and see him sitting in his chair watching old cowboy films and munching on rum and raisin chocolate. Or to hear his kind words and for him to ask “How you doing sunshine?” I’ve not really grieved for him properly even though I saw him just after he’d passed his body still and pale but peaceful. I hope he wasn’t scared to go as he got quite quiet near the end which was not like him as usually he talked a lot.

That was my grandad a brick layer from Devon. He was an extraordinary man and will be in our hearts forever.

Books I’ve Read This Year

Before I start this post I wanted to mention I will be posting chapter 1 of the book I’m working on called Jeopardy on Christmas eve so remember to check that out!!

Books I’ve read this year

 This post is about the books I’ve read this past year. To some of you avid readers eight may not be that large a number , but this is all the books I’ve finished as I tend to dip in and out of books and not finish some.

  1. Dr Jekyll And Mr Hyde – I studied this book this year and at the start I thought it was quite a difficult book but as you break it down you start to appreciate this gothic novella. The book centres around Dr Jekyll a respectable upper class character who develops a potion that allows him to turn into Mr Hyde and indulge in wrongs like assault and murder. Mr Hyde has ugly figure and is deformed in some ways. The main themes of the novella are good and bad , secrecy , duality. The book as a whole teaches us that everyone has a split nature.
  2. Verity – Verity is a book by Colleen Hoover. I know what your thinking how generic everyone is reading Colleen Hoover but that is because she is great! This book Is really twisted I’ve got to say. The main character Lowen is a writer and is asked to go and finish a book written by a verity who was in a car crash and is now severely disabled and cannot finish a book she was writing. So Lowen goes to the house and live there and act as like a ghost writer to go through Veritys notes. While she is going through the notes she stumbles across Veritys diary and reads some really disturbing things like her unhealthy obsession with her husband and how she murdered her two daughters. Lowen ends up getting together with Veritys husband and  In the end something else is discovered (but I wont spoil it for you) Overall it is a nice easy but exciting read.
  3. It Ends With us – This is another Colleen Hoover book I’ve read this year. I didn’t find it as exciting as Verity but I still got through it quite quickly. It has some serious themes in it like domestic abuse , poverty and friendship.
  4. Stolen – Wow this has to be my favourite book I’ve read this year , again it is quite twisted (don’t know if that says something about me hope not Lol) But basically Gemma gets “stolen” by an older man called TY. He kidnaps her and takes her out into the middle of the Australian desert. TY has had a hard life growing up in the Australian bush by himself until he is taken by the authorities to London. He sort of does the same thing to Gemma and wants some company to live his solitude life , but Gemma doesn’t love the desert like he does , and tries to run away and nearly dies. It’s a really good read would highly recommend.
  5. Orphan Sisters – This book written by Lola Jaye is what I’m reading at present. I’m not going to lie to you when I saw this book perched on the shelf of my local library I was a bit racist. I’ve tried reading books by black authors before and never really got into them maybe because I’ve never known that way of life. However luckily I did get passed the first page of this book and discovered how much of a rare gem it was , probably the best book I’ve read in years even.

The book follows Lana and May from there home in Nigeria. Their father has got a job in London and wants his family to join them. However after their father dies suddenly their mother cannot cope and they have to move into a childrens home. The book covers themes like racism , poverty , prejudice and sexual abuse. When they arrive in London they discover signs that say no blacks , no Irish , no dogs. They live in a tiny flat that doesn’t even have a bathtub. Later on in the book we discover the character may really enjoys reading she is looked down on because she is black and told she will never make it to university or do anything special with her life. Lana and May are constantly degraded. After Lana leaves the children home May is left by herself and is nearly raped by one of the staff so she runs away abandoning her studies. Lana thinks about her sisters constantly and would do anything to allow them to be together again. Definitely the most eye opening book I’ve read this year.