There’s a song I wrote about in my last post Everybody Hurts and its true but I think we hurt ourselves as much as others hurt us. I’ve just finished sitting my exam for Higher English a goal I’ve had for years but I’m still not happy. I’ve been so consumed by this goal that I don’t know what to do next. I don’t really have the results to get into university and its kinda too late to apply. Also I feel like I don’t deserve it. My mental health means I can never really do some middle class job like a teacher or journalist also I can’t drive so getting any job is very difficult. Maybe I know that my chance was gone years ago. I’m twenty one almost twenty two and most people have been studying or working for years and all I have is this stupid blog which doesn’t make me any goddam money.
I feel paranoid and angry. I’m angry doctors didn’t help me sooner. My depression and anxiety was like a tumor it was getting worse. Until anxiety turned into paranoia and grandiosity. When I was seventeen I thought I could save the world people could say I was arrogant but really I was just so fucking confused and mentally ill. I needed medication and care and all I got was someone on the phone a nurse ignoring me briskly or a doctor telling me to have a hot milk and go to bed.
This is going to disable me for the rest of my life but I suppose I just have to get on with it. I’ve talked about it before my mum having epilepsy when I was younger I didn’t respect her or my father cause when I was at school I was going to be better than my “working class” family. But trying to climb the rungs of the ladder is like running around in a hamster wheel or trying to punch a whole in a brick wall. My mother is a really strong person she takes fits every night but still looks after me. I didn’t realize how difficult even daily tasks like doing the washing or drying the shower are. Or maybe in other words I didn’t know how lazy I am. I wish I could do more but I just have no motivation. I worry what I’ll be like as a mother , will i have changed by then , will I have money and a decent sized house? Will my child’s life be better than mine?
I suppose we just have to remember that Everybody Hurts or everybody has there own problems. At least I have a roof over my head and food to eat. Even if I’m wasting all my money on my serious take away addiction. It hurts when people don’t understand. Its like people who are unemployed or living in council houses bring poverty on themselves when it’s simply not true. Its not nice to be judged to be called a junkie or slut or scum. When I was a teenager I isolated myself because I was scared what people would think. No one should have to do that. We as a society need to change I suppose there has always been rich and poor but people just don’t care about those in need. We walk past a homeless person , we judge those outside a food bank having a fag. I don’t know much about the good Samaritan story from the bible but even hundreds of years ago people were the same. A priest walked past an injured man. It shows the hypocrisy of society like we could have good jobs like teachers or nurses but we still judge people and ignore those in need.
Yeah everybody hurts and its not a competition on who hurts most. But just be nice to people whoever they are.